“Sick” might be the most overused word in poker. But I mean it literally.
Around 2:00 p.m. on Friday, right in the middle of a couple of online tournaments, I began to feel ill. And thus began a yucky weekend during which I could barely move. It is only now, about halfway through Monday, that I am beginning to feel semi-normal again. This past weekend was lost to the worst illness I’ve had in several years–a bacterial infection that left me bedridden with a continuous fever and sore throat. Really gross.
I’m going to conveniently ignore the myriad of practical reasons why I may have been beset with a debilitating illness during a weekend when I had a lot of things planned. Instead, I’m going to assume that I was smitten by an angry God (it’s easier that way!). And through some thorough investigation, I’ve narrowed it down to two suspects:
–The Vengeful Belligerent Jew God. While I did attend two seders on the appropriate dates, this year, even though I don’t fit into either of the exempted categories (children and the infirm elderly), I didn’t even consider observing one of my people’s oldest customs, “keeping passover,” a.k.a., forgoing leavened bread for a week. Honestly, I didn’t even consider it for a single second. I like bread; matzoh sucks. Bad Jew. The Jew God does not take this kind of thing lightly, it seems. Oy vey. I’m sorry, Vengeful Belligerent Jew God. 😦
Or was it…
–The God of Schlubs. After countless years of being a Grade A, never exercising, just sitting there on my fat ass schlub, in recent weeks I have attempted to turn a new leaf by starting a jogging regimen. I have to admit, it feels pretty good. And on the very morning of the day that I got sick, I ran over 1.5 miles, my longest distance to date. Alas, the God of Schlubs sees all, and it seems he was insulted by my insolent attempt to desert his ranks. He is not going to let me leave without a fight. Bad schlub. I’m sorry, God of Schlubs. I’ll go back to being a lazy piece of shit.
Anyway, I think I feel well enough to play poker again (you’ll notice that I find it unlikely that God would punish me for gambling, that would be pretty lame)!
PS: thank you Janeen for taking care of me. 🙂
davidzeitlin 
Give Rev. Wright a call. He might have better insight into your illness and what actios of yours stirred which God.
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Cookie Monster
The ice cream truck never makes anybody chase it for more than about 200 meters. If the driver made you run a full mile and a half for your Dreamsicle, that’s bad news. Clearly you insulted the hell out of some deity somewhere.
a bacterial infection that left me bedridden with a continuous fever and sore throat.
Nice!
Oh, and matzo does not suck. You obviously are a bad jew 😦
(being a good jew imo revolves around liking Jew food and being late all the time, rather than following religious practises)
Also, haven’t been around for a while, so hi!